Happy 30th Jarom...

So today you would be 30.... Happy Birthday Jarom.

It's crazy and sad to me to think that at this point you only got to live almost half of your potential life...

I wonder a lot what you would be like if you were still here.

I can imagine my kids loving you, thinking you are such a fun and crazy uncle. Asking for you to give them rides on your motorcycle.... 

I imagine you'd be married to a beautiful girl by now, and probably have a few cute little kids of your own who would drive you as nuts as you did mom and dad. 

Maybe you'd even have a daughter close to Bri and Lexxi's age, and they would be cousins and best of friends. My girls would love that...

You were always very soft at heart, nonjudgmental of others and a friend to especially those who needed one most. I'm sure that's a part of you that never would have changed.

After you died, Mom didn't clean your room out for a while. We all just left it just the way you had it, sort of trying to hold on to your memory longer I guess.

The covers on your bed were still thrown to the side, with the indentations on your sheet showing you had last slept there... The whole room still smelled like your newfound teenage love for Old Spice cologne... The big silver boombox that you got from Uncle Paul was still on your windowsill with your audiotapes sitting in the "ready to record" mode. You used to call in to the radio stations and request a song you liked, then sit in your room with your finger ready on the record button, to catch it on tape... Oh how you would have loved the technology of today. 

One day I decided to go in and just look through that desk you had, you know where you kept all your cool drawings of your comic character, Spot the dog...

I found this note in there that was written back and forth between you and a friend. You two were mad at each other about something, and as a low attack he'd said something mean about "your sister"--and you strongly defended me. Thanks for loving me so much, even though as teenage siblings so close in age you wouldn't think we even liked each other some of the time.

I know life wasn't easy for you. I'm sorry none of us understood your needs well. A.D.D. was even more misunderstood back then than it is now.

But thank you for the example you were to me in so many ways.

You were judged harshly by many, because you had so much energy and didn't always use it in the most appropriate ways.

But you never held grudges. You were always open to a friendship with anyone. You didn't let what other people thought about you bug you and you weren't afraid to stand up to people. I always admired that. Still admire that.

I wonder what it's like where you're at now. I wonder what you're doing. I know you miss everyone here, and I know you regret your decisions that led to ending your life.

I love you Jarom... I'm so sorry I didn't say it or show it more while you were here. You were a great big brother to me and always watched out for me. We had our share of fights, but hey, we were siblings just 16 months apart in age. Kind of came with the territory right?

But I really loved how we were just hitting that age where we could sit and talk to each other for hours in those months just before you died. You usually wanted to know all the details about all the girls I knew who liked you. (eyeroll, lol)

I remember pretty much every friend I had would think you were cute and want to follow you around when they came over. That was so totally irritating.

I'm grateful for the memories I have of you, for what you were in my life.

For a few months after you died I would have nightmares pretty much every night, replaying the horror of the morning you died. In my dreams I would know what was going to happen, so I'd follow you around, trying not to let you out of my sight and telling you over and over how much we all love you. They were nightmares though because in every dream something would distract my attention for half a second, and then I'd turn around and you'd be gone and I wouldn't be able to find you. I'd search frantically for you throughout the house, but I'd always be too late. Then I'd wake up crying so hard. It was awful.

Then one night I had this dream where I was standing in a big open grassy meadow, and there was just one tree at one end. You appeared by the tree and I ran and hugged you so tight, crying and telling you I loved you and missed you. You cried too and hugged me back and told me you were so sorry for all that you were putting us all through, that you didn't mean to.

A little girl appeared by the tree, she was sitting on a rock or a stump or something. She had light brown hair with curls at the ends and looked to be about 3. She was beautiful and she smiled at me. I asked who she was and you said she was my daughter...

Then we talked for a long time, but I don't remember anything we said. And then we went to this big cafeteria and ate food, and when we were done eating I was going to pick up my plate but you told me I didn't need to do that because it was all the old peoples' job...funny. Not sure where that one came from.

But after that dream, I never had another nightmare. I felt at peace. So if maybe you helped with that, thank you.

I know that many people believe that when a person takes their own life that they are cast to hell. Doesn't make any sense to me. If there is anything close to a God he'd be smarter than that, all-loving and all-knowing. If he judged at all it would be on the intents of the heart and on a person's level of understanding. He would know your heart. And that you didn't really understand what you were doing, and that the medication you were on played into it all too.

It would have been cool to see you turn 30. It was always nice to have you be older than me and experience everything before me so I sort of had some idea what to expect. Kindergarten wasn't so scary, because you'd already been there and made it look so fun. I would love if you were still here to turn 30 first and show me how fun growing older is with every passing year now too.

Happy Birthday. Love you. I miss you. Maybe I will see you again someday.